Guide Stars Lessons: Speak So Tension Has Nowhere To Live
I have seen it too many times to ignore. A question is asked, or an instruction is given, and the person on the receiving end freezes. Their face tightens, their body shifts, silence takes over, then suddenly comes the attitude or defiance. It is not that they are foolish. It is not that they are incapable. What we are watching is a gap in how we prepare our people to communicate under pressure.
We pour effort into producing capable students. They pass advanced maths, defend projects, lead group assignments, complete internships, and some even graduate with honors. Yet those same bright young people can crumble when faced with a direct challenge. Instead of words, there is silence. Instead of calm reasoning, there is a flare of hostility. And as adults, those habits don’t disappear. They harden.
That is why ordinary encounters turn into heated contests. A teacher rebukes a student and the classroom sours. A utility worker disconnects power and the customer sees it as disrespect or a personal attack. A police officer gives a lawful instruction and is met with suspicion or anger. It is not always malice. Many simply do not know how to respond when authority steps into their space.
There is also a science behind this. Psychologists call it ‘reactance,’ the natural resistance that rises when people feel their freedom of choice is being taken away. It explains why even reasonable directions are sometimes met with hostility. No one likes being ordered around, and if a person already feels overlooked or disrespected, that resistance flares even faster. Understanding this helps professionals see that the push-back is often less about the instruction itself and more about the feeling of lost control.
Now everyone has a duty to communicate better, but the heavier duty rests on professionals. If you wear a uniform, stand at the front of a classroom, work in health care, or serve the public in any way, you carry the weight of authority. With that comes the responsibility to set the tone. You cannot meet hostility with hostility. You cannot treat silence as stupidity. The professional must steady the room, not shake it.
This begins with how we raise and teach our children. We need to help them recognize their own reactions, to catch themselves when they are about to shutdown or lash out. We need to train them to ask questions without sarcasm, to disagree without insulting, to use a steady voice even when emotions are hot. We should practice small conversations where the goal is not to win but to keep the exchange calm. These are not luxuries. They are survival skills. By the time they reach adulthood, young people should be able to cool a room not tip it toward conflict.
For those already serving in frontline roles, we cannot rely on instinct alone. We need habits that work in the heat of the moment. I use a simple heuristic I call PACE. It stands for Pause, Acknowledge, Clarify, Explain.
Pause for a breath and read the body language.
Acknowledge the emotion with a simple line of dignity: “I see you are upset, let us figure this out.”
Next, clarify your authority, the reason, and the options in plain words. For example: ‘I can’t approve this request without the correct ID. That is the policy to protect your account. You can bring the ID later and complete the process, or I can connect you to my supervisor now.’
Then, explain the next step so nothing feels hidden or arbitrary. For example: ‘If you choose to bring the ID later, I will note your file and you can return to complete this. If you prefer a supervisor, I will call them now and you can speak with them here at the counter. If you do not want either option, I will have to close this request for today to keep your account secure.’
This approach lowers threat, restores a sense of choice, and demonstrates respect. It is not weakness. It is professionalism.
Confidence in these moments comes from three things. First, knowledge of the law, the policy, the best practice, and the limits of your authority. Second, empathy that uses a simple test: treat the person in front of you the way you would want your loved one treated in the same situation, even when firm action is required and in the rare cases where lawful force is necessary. Third, judgment that chooses timing, words, and actions that serve safety and fairness, not ego. Knowledge without empathy turns into cold control. Empathy without knowledge loses its anchor and drifts, so standards slip and decisions become uneven. Judgment holds both together so your hands stay steady.
The path forward is practical. In schools, build role-plays that let students practice answering tough questions without shouting. Reward them for tone and clarity, not just right answers. In Public services, use short scenarios during briefings, and make it routine to reflect on how staff handled real encounters that surfaced in the public domain. Many citizens record interactions on their phones, and CCTV footage is everywhere. These recordings often spark debate, so they should also serve as teaching points on respect, tone, and fairness, not just on outcomes. Carrying pocket cards with simple, lawful phrases can also help officers and frontline workers stay consistent. Small steps repeated often build culture.
I do not pretend to hold all the answers. Every situation is different. But I know this: there is always a best practice. If we do not teach children how to talk when the room is hot, and if we as professionals fail to model it, tension will keep being our first language.
We can do better. We can raise children who answer challenge with calm words, and we can train professionals who keep order without stripping dignity. Knowledge in one hand, empathy in the other, and sound judgment to guide both. When tension has nowhere to live, conflict has no room to grow.
