Oh, what a glorious time to be alive in St. Vincent and the Grenadines. Let us all pause, clasp our hands, and raise our voices in rapturous thanksgiving to the brilliant minds at the Ministry of Education. In a move of pure, unadulterated genius, they have officially slashed secondary school registration fees to the magnificent price of almost zero dollars. No more “exorbitant” fees, and no more financial strain on the pockets of the public. It is a absolute masterclass in governance: eliminate the revenue first, and worry about how the actual system functions after. Who needs a plan or stakeholder consultation when you have great press releases? As school reopens, we must prepare ourselves for the sheer, utopian bliss of this new fee-free reality.
Let’s look at the incredible benefits of this visionary policy. Since registration fees previously covered things like paper, ink, and printer maintenance, our schools are about to go beautifully retro. We are saving the planet by not printing exams. Teachers can simply write a 60-question multiple-choice test on a cracked blackboard and have students copy it down, which surely builds character. Furthermore, by eliminating the fees that purchased school-regulated flash drives, we are boldly embracing the wild west of the digital age. Students can now bring in whatever virus-laden, secondhand thumb drive they find on the street, turning a massive security risk into an impromptu lesson in IT troubleshooting. Technical vocational and art subjects will now teach the ultimate life skill of pure imagination, as students can simply visualize building a cabinet or painting a masterpiece without the burden of actually having wood, metal, paint and other necessities (cheaper when bought in bulk).
We must also thank the Ministry for teaching our youth the art of rugged survivalism. Those pesky fees used to fund minor, insignificant luxuries like toilet paper, hand soap, and cleaning supplies, etc. Moving forward, students will learn true self-reliance. If a child forgets to pack a roll of premium two-ply in their backpack next to their geography textbook, it just sounds like a wonderful opportunity to practice fortitude. Let us also not forget the cutting of funds for student lunches and evening transportation for those who don’t have, forgot or lost their money. If a student is stranded after a school event or hungry during third period, it’s just extra motivation to run faster and study harder, since hunger is a well-known stimulant for the brain.
Naturally, the public is already rejoicing, and for those cynical naysayers on social media claiming that principals were secretly buying yachts with the registration fees, your investigative journalism is unparalleled. Clearly, the math adds up, and fifty dollars from 40-100 students definitely equals a lifetime of luxury.
Let us address the real heroes waiting in the wings: our teachers. When the school runs out of printer ink by week two, and a child is crying because they don’t have materials for their SBA or a class project, we all know we will hear the beautiful, time-honoured chant that teaching is a vocation and their reward is in heaven. Obviously, St. Vincent’s teachers, with their notoriously lavish, overflowing salaries, will be absolutely thrilled to dig into their own pockets to buy printer paper and hand sanitizer. It’s not like parents have a fundamental responsibility to fund the basic daily existence of the children they created. No, parental responsibility is a myth, and the school, the government, and the teacher’s bank account should always carry the weight. Wait for the complaints when schools have to ask for contributions towards amenities for school events, which only benefit the students. No money, no activities? ‘Clock that!’
So, thank you, Ministers of Education. Thank you for fixing an already challenging system by breaking it entirely, and thank you for the complete lack of consultation with the principals and teachers who actually have to run these institutions on a prayer and a piece of string. Education is already so magnificently funded in this country that we were practically drowning in excess resources anyway. We cannot wait to see how this grand experiment turns out, especially when quick funds are needed to do the most basic thing. By the way, it’s almost the end of July, how are school repairs going? Are the bathrooms fixed, rooves repaired, schools fenced, we have enough furniture for EVERY child, school water tanks set up, broken windows and doors installed, AC units up and running in every library and computer lab? Indeed, interesting times are ahead.
